How To Avoid Death on the Roadways

I suffer from road aggression. Not road rage, aggression. Road rage is classified by actually DOING something like cutting people off, driving like a total maniac or actually killing someone. I just sit behind the wheel and curse, yell and flip people off; but only below their line of sight because you never know who suffers from actual rage. I live in Las Vegas and the traffic here pretty much sucks. As you’re probably aware this is a tourist town so we have lots of different people from lots of different states on the roads. And that often leads to mayhem. I don’t know about you, but in the morning I’m too tired to deal with idiots and after work I’m too tired to deal with idiots. What the hell are they doing, driving on MY roads!?! I never gave permission for that! Now I’m sure that everyone reading this is a good driver but just in case, here are some tips:

1. Stay in your lane! Really, how hard is this? They’re marked with either painted lines or little bumpy dots. Stop drifting into mine and making my blood pressure rise, please. If you’re too drunk or high to handle this, stay off the damn road!
2. Unless you’re driving a huge ass truck you do not need to drift to the left prior to making a right-hand turn.
3. When changing lanes please look in ALL your mirrors and you may even want to actually turn your head left or right as far as you possibly can in order to see if anyone else is already where you want to be. If they are, wait until they’re not.
4. When coming to a red light or a stop sign please move up as close as you can to the car in front of you without actually hitting it. The people behind you may need the extra room in order to get out of an intersection or to make a right hand turn. Close the gap!
5. Please drive at or above the speed limit. There’s nothing more annoying than someone going 30 mph in a 45 mph zone. Yes, I’m advocating speeding as long as you’re cautious. As far as I’m concerned the speed limits are really more like guidelines.
6. If you’re on the highway/freeway and driving at or below the speed limit stay in the right hand lane. The left lane is for passing. Get the hell out of my way!
7. Please don’t weave in and out of traffic and blow through red lights like you’re taking your pregnant wife to the hospital unless, of course, that’s what you’re doing. We’re all trying to get somewhere and you risking an accident is not helping the rest of us. Plus, we’ll more than likely see you again at the next red light.
8. If you miss your destination you can always turn around and go back. You don’t have to risk other’s lives by squeezing in front of me at the last minute and then slamming on your brakes so you can make the turn.
9. If you don’t own a hands-free device, get off your damn cell phone! Unless someone’s dying or your house is on fire the call can wait until you get wherever you’re going.
10. When you’re in a school zone please do the posted speed. I know it’s annoying to go 15 mph, but the possible death or crippling of a child trumps being late for work.
11. Please use the turn signal that is provided for you. I’m not a mind reader people! It’s not like the thing is located in the trunk. You don’t even have to take your hand off the steering wheel.
12. If I can see a construction zone coming up that forces us to lose access to the lane we’re in, so can you. Please don’t wait until the last minute and push your way in front of me. By then you’re utter selfishness has really pissed me off and brought out the bitch in me and I’m willing to suffer damage to my vehicle just to teach you a lesson.
13. Try not to get too sleepy or distracted at a red light. Chances are it will change back to green in about 2-3 minutes. And when it does, I want to go!
14. The shoulder is NOT a passing lane! If you use it as one I’m hoping you pick up a nail or a screw and you get a flat tire.
15. Driving up my ass will not make me go any faster. As a matter of fact I’ll probably reduce my speed even further just to be a bitch.
16. If you’re taking a trip somewhere that you haven’t been to before do us all a favor and MapQuest it. Or buy a local map. Or get directions prior to leaving your house. Everyone can tell you don’t know where you’re going and it’s freaking annoying!
17. Your vehicle is not a bathroom. You should be shaving or doing your make-up before you leave the house.
18. If there’s a cop on the road and he’s driving under the posted speed limit, it’s okay to drive at the limit and pass him. He won’t pull you over, I promise. Trust me, I’ve done it.
19. Parking – same principle as driving. Stay between the lines, preferably vertical. One space per car please!

Follow these simple suggestions and it will help to stop my road aggression graduating to actual road rage where I pull out my gun and pop a cap in your ass. The life you save could be yours.